This is an illness I wish NO ONE had to suffer. I believe God chooses us for certain types of suffering, because He knows we will carry out His will to completion. It’s not the suffering, but our decision in how we will conduct ourselves in these times which bring honor to God the most. God receives glory in how we allow Him to show Himself strong and mighty in our lives, but it is in the praises to God others bring to Him when they see us suffering through, well. It’s not us, but the Christ in us they SEE. It’s Him they glorify and Him they learn to trust, because of our testimony.
I must endure… there’s no changing that – unless God does the changing. I must give myself shots 3x’s a week to stay out of the hospital. I’m tired. I’m tired of being ill, sad, struggling with blurred vision, slow in my movements, stiffness, and bouts with memory loss. I’m tired of stuttering and battling insomnia. I’m tired of the aches and pains, bouts with chronic depression, hearing loss, overheating and fatigue – just laying or sitting still makes me overheat, tired or feel extremely cold. I’m tired of this fight. MS INTENSIFIES EVERYTHING!!
I get soooooooooooooo afraid when Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays approach. I sometimes cry or hide myself under my blankets, pretending it’s another day or I watch the time pass, because I don’t want to give myself this injection.
What keeps me going?
Truth: God and others.
Every now and then someone will bravely write me or walk up to me and inform me that my struggle to keep going inspires them. I cannot even imagine HOW, but God knows… 😳
DAILY, I battle depression, isolation, distrust in others, feelings of inadequacy and abandonment, feeling odd and insecure around others, feelings of unfamiliarity around people I know I should be familiar with, increasing feelings of loneliness, fear of crowds, loud noises, weirded out by bright lights, friendlessness and thoughts of disappearing forever. I have no idea why I’m still here, but I can say this –
Through abandonment, infidelity, divorce, homelessness and going months without money or food for a long period of time God birthed something in me which gets me over my lowest points. God placed in me the thought that everything I am meant to face and suffer – it’s never for me, but for someone else. #itsnotaboutme Someone I may not know or do know, but don’t know is watching…. he/she is gleaning from me the courage and the will to stay the course and go through… He/she is learning by my example how to suffer well, just as I have learned from Jesus how to suffer this life well.
God always answers prayers. I believe the moment I learned of my affliction (MS), I WAS IMMEDIATELY HEALED, IN THE NAME OF JESUS. God healed my soul, though He allowed this. Yes, my body is blessed by God to be broken in this season. FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS! 😁 Everything I was carrying (which was not mine to carry), INSTANTLY fell from me – the weight of unforgiveness, abandonment, injustice, sabotage, disobedience, betrayal shame, guilt, anger, resentment, bitterness, and the like, all fell away from my heart, mind and soul. I am no longer held captive – prisoner to the things I allowed to weigh me down for so long.
I remember being wheeled into my room, after being admitted into the hospital. Looking around REALITY hit me so hard in the face! I realized – I was IN THE HOSPITAL!!! Really! I realized there were bigger fish to fry than those little smelly, old anchovies I was carrying around all those years. I IMMEDIATELY FORGAVE THEM/IT ALL!!! IT WAS FINISHED!!!!
I was given a ~NEW NORMAL~
I was given more important things to think about and new battles to consider being in or not. The past no longer mattered to me.
My health became my focus. That part.
The moment I was freed – I was able to make my way through to lay myself at Jesus’ feet. For the rest of my life this affliction is assigned by God to lead me to the feet of Jesus, to lay at His feet in humble thanksgiving. ~JESUS DID IT ALL FOR ME~ #deathforlifelifefordeath #thesweetestexchange #nocharge #nopaybackoption #itisagift
Jesus said that if He be lifted up He will draw all men to Him. I believe it is through the breaking down of our bodies, Christ is lifted up and more people (by way of observing us) are brought (led) to Him. More people trust God, because of what they see Him doing in our lives – as we choose to suffer well in it all.
When we hide in shame, and refuse to let anyone know… how then can they overcome or be saved from what they are going through? We cannot shy away from our truth. People whom God wants will perish – they’ll struggle more and harder than they ought to. We have to allow the suffering and for others to observe us in our suffering. It’s how we all are able to overcome this life.
My body maybe broken, but my heart no longer is. God holds my heart forever. My body maybe broken, but I’m FREE!!! One day I will receive my new body from the Lord. A body free of illness, sin, pain, mood swings, wrong thinking and false emotions. I am dead to this world in my broken body, but ALIVE IN CHRIST IN MY NEWNESS which I have received from Him at the point when I was diagnosed with this ugly disease.
I hurt. I cry. I anguish over the things I must do to slow down the progression of the disease. Sometimes, I want to just say “…. ..!” And never take another shot or swallow another pill, and just allow the disease (the lesions in my brain) to rapidly increase and the nerve damage to spread throughout my body. I’m tired. Believe me, I am, but God won’t let me. He keeps me going – doing the right things for my body and the alien I live with now inside of me. It is truly Him and His strength. I cannot even give credit to my prayers that I’ve prayed and He’s answered. They have anything to do with it. God is good and He’s just.
No! It’s ALL GOD! God and God alone. He alone gets all the glory.
We are not suffering just to be suffering. We are all on assignment. God controls it all – even the diseases. We are going through these things for someone else and the honor/benefit of teaching them how to maneuver (rightly) through both the good and the hard times.
God never promised us this life would be easy. He promised He’d always be with us – He’d never, never abandon us. He’s closest to us when we think He’s the furthest away from us and His power is perfected in our weaknesses. God would never allow us to go it without Him. He loves us too much!
So know –
If you stop, lay down, cry or your strength gives out – God will do it for you. He will pick you up, carry you through, wipe your tears, gently kiss your face, and strengthen for the new day, the journey ahead. God will renew you and give you everything you need to make Him proud. He will not hold anything against you. He withholds nothing good from you.
You are still ~HIS FAVORITE~
God loves you. 🙂
You’re not in this alone.
-It’s just for now…
Trust Him. #eveninthis❤️❤️❤️
Embrace your now. Enjoy the journey. 😉